How to Have an Independently Dependent Relationship

Long term relationship is terrifying. It can suck your life out and consume every bit of you. And when it’s over it will leave you empty. Lifeless. Like the whole world is running around you but you’re stuck.

Basically we all know how to prevent it from happening — we just have to keep on living our own lives even when we’re in relationship; But it’s just so easy to let a relationship drain you, especially because it’s fun to be with the person you like the most, right? Ironically, that’s just exactly why it can totally blind you from what’s happening around you.

The Handcuffs

Imagine this. You are in a relationship with someone you really, really like. You are both very strong people and together you rock the world. You’ve been in relationship with him for quite some time now, and you love spending time with him. But because you are both busy on weekdays, you meet him every weekends, both Saturday and Sunday.

Eventually as the relationship goes by, it just becomes a habit for you to meet him on Saturday or Sunday, and sometimes on public holidays.

Considering your busy schedule, you practically have no time for your friends. Every leisure time you get when you’re not with him, you use for a you-time in a spa or salon. Little by little, you can feel your friends fading away. But you don’t mind, cos anyway you already have him, who you can call a boyfriend AND a best friend.

You thought you will spend your life with him anyway. You only need him. Only him is already enough.

However, after years of relationship, shit happened.

You screwed up. Or he did. Or it’s not important who did, but your relationship ended and now you’re drowning in sorrow. You’re trying to reach out, but you don’t have any friends left after you ignored them for years. The only friend you have, the only future you thought you would have, the only thing that chains your hands to the earth, was only him.

And now that he’s gone, you’re like a lost astronaut floating in an empty space.

Independently Dependent

By the way, please note that in the previous paragraphs I wasn’t talking about my past relationship. I had a pretty balanced life and my friends were still my friends throughout the entire journey. However, the previous paragraphs did actually come from a true story a friend told me very recently.

His relationship with his ex-girlfriend was the handcuff type. They were pretty much glued to each other the whole time, that he didn’t have the time (or the urge) to make friends other than her.

Contrary to that situation, my relationship right now is more like a bird house than a handcuff. It’s a pretty liberating experience, to fly away to our own directions every now and then, but get back together by the end of the day. He feels like home, and my life is the adventure.

Live Your Life

Even though we’re in a relationship, we’re not too possesive with each other. Some weekends he would spend with his friends and I with mine. Some weekdays I would go out with him and his friends. It’s not you taking him away from his life or him taking you from yours, it’s both of you merging two lifes together, while in the mean time you also need your own space to stay sane.

It is necessary and it is normal, it’s not egoist, so don’t worry. Live your life when you’re alone, have an appropriate amount of you-time while you still can.

Because It’s a Choice

I believe it is not easy to be independent in a relationship. You need to trust your partner, while at the same time you also trust yourself. You trust him that he will not fail you, and you trust yourself that even if he did, you can still survive.

To achieve this state of mind you need to realize 100% that you are full and complete even when you’re single. When you have enough fun in your single life, the presence of a boyfriend no longer becomes a necessity. It’s more like a choice. A preference.

You don’t need him. But you want him.

Though when I said “you don’t need him” I don’t mean like you don’t need a guy in your life, no. More like you know exactly it can be anyone else than him. You realize that he is replaceable, but you choose him. You see, this is a stronger mindset than if you think you need him, and only him can fill your needs.

To put it in other words, your partner is replaceable. At the same time you also have to realize that YOU are also replaceable. It’s a bitter truth but the truth is always bitter, no? But only with this bitterness you can stay true. So, keep your chin up and deal with it.

Things to Expect in a Relationship With a Strong Woman

Semua orang punya pandangan masing-masing tentang apa artinya menjadi seorang perempuan yang kuat. Ada yang bilang, perempuan setiap bulan berdarah tapi nggak mati-mati, itu artinya udah termasuk kuat. Ada yang bilang, perempuan yang kuat itu yang mandiri, independen, ga butuh orang lain, ga butuh laki. Ada juga yang bilang cewek kuat itu yang bisa angkat galon.

Nah kalo buat lo sendiri, yang dimaksud perempuan kuat itu yang kayak gimana sih?

Ceritanya tadi pagi gue abis baca artikel ini dari HuffPost, tentang 12 Things to Expect When Dating a Strong Woman. Terus gue tergerak buat komen, karna buat gw 50% isi artikelnya bullshit.

Jadi gini, kalo buat gue itu, cewek kuat adalah cewek yang punya nilai-nilai diri yang matang. Mereka punya pandangan dan punya dasar value yang dipegang teguh dan ngga goyah ditoel orang. Dengan kata lain, kalo buat gue, cewek yang kuat itu nggak serta merta harus bossy dan tegas dan decisive dan pengen segala sesuatu nya teratur dan ngga terima mindless conversation…

Mereka secure dan self sufficient. Jadi ketika seorang cewek kuat memutuskan untuk berhubungan sama seorang lelaki, seharusnya lelaki itu bisa tenang. Nggak perlu pusing mikirin drama. Nggak perlu khawatir di-jealous-in, nggak perlu dikit-dikit ngecekin moodnya gimana. Bukan malah tambah stress si lakinya karna dia jadi berkewajiban untuk mikirin smart topics setiap saat, lalu nentuin tempat makan, lalu bla..bla..blaa..

Hey, this is a relationship, not an exam week.

So, ini dia versi gue, Things to Expect in a Relationship With a Strong Woman.

1. Do expect to feel relaxed.

While it is true that a strong woman will expect the best out of you, like your funniest jokes, your best self, your most brilliant ideas, your sexiest smile… But as much as they want it and deserve it, they don’t actually need it, like, all the time. Because they are self sufficient, they don’t see you as an entertainment, they see you as a partner.

So the next time you’re thinking of giving her something, please don’t think of it as a sacrifice to feed her ego or to keep her happy. Rather, just make it an appreciation of her presence.

2. Do expect to feel secure.

A strong woman knows what she wants and usually stick to it. After making a decision she will continue to judge if her decision is already satisfying and if there is anything she can improve. You can trust her on this: she will not leave you because she’s bored. She will talk to you when she’s sensing a threat in your relationship, she won’t keep you in the dark.

FYI, just like any other girls in this world, a strong woman also has her own insecurities and fears. The difference is they are not denying it, they will just tell you instead.

So when you ask her what’s wrong and she says nothing is wrong, you can rest assured knowing she’s a woman of her words.

3. Do expect to feel liberated.

You know, there’s a difference between being with someone who can’t live without you, and with someone who can live without you but just don’t want to.

When a strong woman gets into a relationship, she’s in the relationship because she choose to. She’s not miserable without you, she’s still happy even when you’re not around. And because she’s strong like that, she’s not afraid of losing you (she’s confident enough to know she won’t, cos anyway it’s gonna be your loss not hers).

She won’t check your Facebook or your texts, she won’t be obsessed about you, she doesn’t need you to be present all the time. Though she might want it, but she won’t be a drama queen if she can’t see you every 5 minutes.

So go ahead and ask her if you can go play golf all day Saturday with your friends. Or tell her you need some you-time with your PS3. Just promise me you will come back to her at the end of the day, with that huge grin of yours, and cuddle her hard for being so awesome.

4. Do expect to feel trusted.

She might not always show it, but she IS smart. She might play dumb in front of you to make you feel smarter than her and she might let you make fun of her, but once again, she IS smart. Because she’s strong, she has values and things she believes in. She’s not easy to influence cos both her eyes are open all the time.

And because she has her attention on you, it’s not that hard to show her you love her. You don’t have to ask her out to a fancy restaurant, nor do you need to rob a bank to buy her jewelleries. You don’t have to come to her with a bottle of expensive wine, nor do you have to plan a trip to the moon with her just to proof you love her.

She’s realistic, not materialistic. So with her it’s simple: as long as you’re true to her, she will know it from the kiss you give on the tip of her nose. And from the way you hold her hand, and from how you rub her back when she’s tired. And from how you imitate her shy laugh or the way you stare at her across the dinner table.

The little things you do, as long as they are constant and true, she will always keep tracks.

So I guess four is enough already ya, I believe you get my point already: a relationship with a strong woman should be easy and liberating, not intimidating and terrifying. Cos the stronger the people are in a relationship, the better the cooperation and therefore the easier it will feel.


RedZz over and out!