32 Years — Is It Time For Midlife Crisis Yet?

Oke, setelah bertahun-tahun rajin bikin “birthday wish” sebelum ultah, tahun ini akhirnya telat nulis. The reason? Karna sibuk ngurus anak. Klasik. 🙂 But wow, saking sibuknya ngurus anak sampe nulis blog terakhir kali aja satu tahun yang lalu. Ahahaha

Things changed a lot lately. For the past… Idk, 6 months? I’ve taken a step back from social media. So I haven’t touched my Instagram as often as I used to. The reason being, for past two years I think Instagram has been giving me more anxiety than I could handle. It made me compare my life to other people’s, it made me feel lacking and inadequate. People share whatever they want others to see, which is valid and fair, but it’s not always wholesome contents. I see people shop for branded stuff, or go to have dinner parties and socialize, or their kids doing awesome things and showing their skills and whatever… I see those things and all it made me feel was that something is lacking from my life.

The thing is– I don’t even care for branded stuff. I don’t care for fancy dinners or whatever. But seeing other people have those things made me feel like I could’ve, I should’ve, or like, why am I not living as good as they do? In logical levels though, I understand that their lifes could be miserable but they just never shown it. I understand that. But still, they have things to boast about. Their lavish vacations or their kids achievements or gifts they got from their loved ones, or idk.

And to mess it all up more, if you just click past through those boasting posts, for the last year or two especially, you’d occasionally see obituaries. Or people got covid and hospitalized. Or their loved ones got it and… It’s honestly like a roller coaster ride. One moment you see someone announcing they’re expecting a new baby, and the next you’ll see someone else posting they’re at the hospital. One moment it’s someone’s birthday, the other it’s someone’s funeral. I couldn’t take it.

So I decided to invest my time elsewhere, and that ‘elsewhere’ happened to be Reddit. I made a new ‘persona’, I’m not Redz, I’m not Henny, I’m someone else. Someone new, someone without a background, someone who wasn’t a relationship expert, and I could just complete be anonymously me. And from there I found new communities, new friends and meaningful connections, and I explored a new side of me that I never knew existed.

It’s been quite an eye-opening journey to be honest, one that I’m glad I took. It validates a lot of things I never realized I needed. It made me feel lovable again cos people get close to me even when they don’t know me. You know? All they knew about me was that I’m a bored stay at home mom of a toddler, and that’s it. They welcomed me. They invited me to new groups. Even when they never seen my face, they wanted to talk to me. Even when they never knew I wrote books or I gave relationship advice, they still surrounded me with acceptance and kindness. And I’m grateful for them.

Another thing I’m grateful about is they are all broken people. Depressed, insomniacs, broke, some with self esteem problems, some with other problems… And yet we all just get together with all these imperfections, be there for each others, share warmth, listen to music together and chat and trash talk and tease each others. It’s fun. They seem normal, they feel normal, they have problems like me, they’re not perfect, they don’t boast about fine dining or branded bags, so I feel… … …at home kinda. I don’t have to put on a mask and be someone, I can just be the shitty ole me and they accept me.

So I gotta be honest, I haven’t been checking Instagram at all lately. Not Facebook either. Not even Whatsapp. And it feels liberating. Although also concerning in a way, cos I’ve neglected my real life friends (I’m not hanging out as much as I used to) and my best friends are all online now. Is this even healthy? I got my peace of mind but at what cost? I’m detached from the persona I’ve built until last year. I don’t benchmark anymore so I wouldn’t know if my kid is slow in whatever progress other kids his age have been achieving. I’m at least at peace and not stressed out like I used to. But in the end I’m unsure. Like… What am I even doing in this life.

I’m 32 years old now and I’m just a sentient stardust floating in the universe, growing more and more apathetic as time goes by.

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