Am I Lonely?

So a few days ago I went out with Tomokun’s friend’s wife, Anna. She stayed in Jakarta for a year or so not too long time ago, but now She lives in Tokyo. She was kind enough to ask me to hang out. Since it’s the season for Wisteria flowers and she happens to love photography too, we decided to visit a shrine for Hanami. One of the questions she asked me during our walk, lingered until now. She asked if I feel lonely during daytime when my husband is not at home.

My answer to her was, “Well, I feel lonely in general.”

I didn’t mean it to be bad, though, I like being alone. Most of the time, I don’t mind it. And I understand that this is the required phase anyway, I need to get through this phase to get to the new, higher, brighter, more fulfilling life. Very much like entering a new level of a game you’ve mastered, suddenly things are a bit harder, suddenly your skills or abilities become limited, etc. But it’s not a bad thing. It’s just a new level.

Kayak yang pernah gue mention di blogpost sebelumnya, hidup gue di Jakarta dulu itu penuh dengan self-actualization activities. Hidup udah nyaman banget dan udah maksimal banget. Gue berprestasi di pekerjaan dan bahkan jadi head team. Gue udah sampe terlibat kontribusi bulanan jadi Pendekar Anak nya UNICEF dan Desa Anak SOS. Dulu gue dikelilingi orang yang baca buku gue dan denger pendapat gue. Dulu gue selalu punya teman yang bisa gue ajak karaoke, ajak makan, ajak jalan, ajak nonton. Dan bahkan ketika gue lagi gak pengen bersosialisasi juga gue tetep bisa ke mana-mana sendirian.

Life was so free and easy, yknow? I’ve mastered life. But now most of those things are paused.

In a sense, life is free and easy here too. Just in a smaller scale. It is easy cos there’s barely any traffic, gak ada demo random, I can walk everywhere, gak takut digerebek / diciduk karna dikira lagi cabul dengan non-muhrim, gak takut dijambret atau sepeda ilang dicuri orang, gak ada yang marahin kalo pulang malem, gak dicariin. So free. Just minus all the big accomplishments and companionship.

And is that a bad thing? Not necessarily, right?

Bentar lagi nanti setelah visa gue kelar, gue bisa restart kehidupan gue dan mulai jadi agak normal. Sekarang gue masih di posisi skak mat yang emang gak bisa ngapa-ngapain karna visa gue masih visa turis. Nah nanti, setelah gue dapet visa istri, gue udah bisa mulai cari sekolah, mulai cari part time jobs.

Nanti gue akan bisa mulai bersosialisasi dengan orang lain lagi, mulai kumpulin teman baru, mulai bergaul, confidence dan self esteem gw akan lebih stabil terjaga.

Sekarang gw lebih rapuh karna sumber hidup gw masih di Jakarta. Gw masih berpegang sama apa yang gw lakukan / alami / miliki dulu pas masih di Jakarta. Gw kayak anak labil baru putus dan susah move on.

Tapi ini gak akan lama lagi kok. Hidup yang gw jalani sekarang adalah hidup yang gw pilih. Dan gw yakin gw bisa punya fulfilling life juga di sini. Cuma belom dimulai aja. 🙂

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