Pagi ini liat video nikahannya Janice & Adit. Janice alumni LL, Adit alumni HS. Mereka baru nikah minggu lalu, and even though I’m not that close to either of them, I feel happy for them deeply. I even cried a little bit–but then again I always cry at weddings.
And I asked to myself why did I always cry at weddings?
Surely I envy Janice, that’s one thing. But not a bad kind of envy, just I adore her beauty and wished I’m as beautiful as she is, while at the same time I am a cute little kokeshi and I like my own appearance too. You know, the kind of envy like when you’re holding an ice cream but you saw a cotton candy.
I wonder if that was what happened to me too with both weddings of Vladimir & Anna and Ryuichi & Ayaka. I cried both times, of course.
What’s interesting for me is while I was feeling touched I asked myself if I would ever be in their position. You know, getting married. Be the bride. Have a husband. And conceal a child after that.
I don’t know. It’s not like I don’t want to get married. I would love to. There was even a time in my life when I believe that getting married is every women’s biggest dreams.
But I guess I just waited for too long, I lost sight of what I wanted it to be like. It used to be so close, you know, I got close to getting married once. I had a fiance, we booked a dress and photography service and even bought the cake already. But poof it’s gone. No don’t feel bad. I was the one to call it off and if I had to go back in time, I’d call it off again.
I think I still have the designs for the invitation card in my computer. And I still have a folder full of our pre-wedding shots. But the computer is dead now so I can’t access it hahaha
Anyway. Even when it was close to me, I couldn’t really picture what getting married will feel like. Sitting in front of guests, receiving so many “congratulations” from people you might or might not know… Or even not about the wedding reception. Even the marriage itself. What does it feel like to leave your family and start a new family of your own? And what does it feel like to vow your life to a guy who might change in time? I wonder if people ever feel the doubt.
I mean, cmon. The guy you like now might not be the guy you’ll always like. People change. You might marry someone you thought you liked, but what if shit happens and he changed? When you’re marrying someone you’re devoting your life to him through thick and thin, you know.
Is it just me or is that a big thing?
If that’s a big thing why don’t people feel scared of getting married?
Again, it’s not like I don’t want to get married. Right now I’m just waiting for the question I could say yes to. But I forbid myself from ever thinking or asking my partner about marriage. Thinking about it makes me nervous and needy. I don’t want to be needy. If I’m needy I will be insecure. If I’m insecure I’ll put a burden on him. You get what I’m saying?
However, honestly I feel conflicted. I don’t want it to be so near in the future (cos it’s a scary thing), but also not too far cos I might die before it happens hahaha
And that opens to a whole other topic: What if I die?
But anyway. This is just my nonsense babbling.
My partner is coming soon, so I will reheat some food for him.