This time I will be very whiny.
So that you don’t get contaminated by all the negativity in this post,
please just move along.
Ocular Toxoplasmosis. Basically is a parasite that infects your eye and make you half blind. Imagine looking into a bright light for a long time. When you try to look at other things after that you will see some remains of the light reflected in your eyesight, right? That’s how it feels. Like there’s a circle spot that’s missing.
I have it on my right eye. The first time it attacked me was last year, March 2015. After millions of Rupiah and weeks of time, it’s “gone” and I got my eyesight back. But I’ve been told that since it is a parasite it can reactivate itself when my immunity is low.
Two weeks ago was a hard week for me. Something bad happened, and I was in a limbo. I lost appetite, had trouble sleeping, and I got so stressed, that on Wednesday last week, I noticed that the parasite is activated again. Sudah jatuh tertimpa tangga.
I was washing my hair when I had to close my left eye and depended on my right eye when I noticed it. I was so scared. I panicked. I felt like, oh shit, kenapa kok dalam idup gue nggak ada yang berjalan dengan baik. I suddenly felt like shit. Setelah itu, hari itu juga gue langsung ke dokter mata di Klinik Mata Nusantara. I had to tell each person I met in the hospital that it’s an old toxo recurring. And everyone asked me the same thing: “You keep a pet at home? Birds? Oh, you like eating raw meat?”
No, I do not have a pet at home, no, not cats not dogs, not birds. Yes, I eat medium rare meat but that’s not how I got this toxo in the first place. Last year I was careless, I ate somewhere unclean, and they served raw veggies. That, I believe, is how I got it. But I was eating with my friends, so why was I the only one to win this jackpot?
Also, when they examine my eye, they always say the same thing: “Lucky that the parasite didn’t get to your macula (center of your eye sight). If it gets there, it will be extremely hard for you to get your eyesight back 100%.” Yeah yeah I’ve heard that from my previous doctor and his nurse and also the nurse who took pictures of my eye and the nurse who took the picture to the doctor. Yes yes, but you know I don’t feel lucky at all, right?
I mean, saying that I got ocular toxoplasmosis but “lucky” cos it didn’t make me blind, is like, it’s not luck. It’s just God’s pity. You get what I mean? I don’t feel lucky. If I am lucky then I wouldn’t have had this problem, at all. That’s what LUCKY means. The lucky ones are actually those people who ate the same thing I did, but didn’t get toxo. THEY are the lucky ones. Me, I won the jackpot but I am far far far away from being lucky. In fact I might as well just won “the unluckiest person” awards amongst my friends.
Anyway I’m on the fourth day of medication now, but it seems there’s not improvement. If anything, now everytime I close my left eye I’m desperate to check if my macula is still free from the toxo circle. It just scares the shit out of me to think that I might lose my right eye sight because of this parasite. And it scares the shit out of me everytime I’m reminded that this parasite will be here forever. It can go sleep but there will always be a chance of it to reactivate again. I’m so doomed.
The doctor told me to go see him again on Thursday, but I’m planning to reschedule to Tuesday because there’s no improvement until now. It’s already the fourth day, but instead of improvement, I think I can feel the toxo is getting more opaque by the day.
Now, aside from my eye problem, sebenernya gw juga ngerasa kesepian. Karna tomo kun lagi di luar negri sampe hari rabu ntar baru dia balik ke sini. Itu pun dia pasti juga masih sibuk dan lain sebagainya. Iya gue sih ngerti emang ini resikonya kalo pacaran sama orang penting, dia punya banyak tugas dan kerjaan, yang kadang gue cuman nyempil nyempil aja sebisanya. Gue ngerti juga kalo seharusnya gue nggak whining, manja minta perhatian, atau tergantung sama dia apalagi kalo dia lagi sibuk-sibuk. Tapi kenyataannya, gue lagi ngerasain rasa takut, gw bisa nangis kapan aja. Bahkan di tempat rame sekalipun, karna gw takut gw kehilangan mata kanan gw. I feel like shit.
Problem is, I know that the only thing I’m fighting against now is no other than myself. Gue sendiri yang ngerasa kayak shit, ngga berharga, sial, sendirian, dan lain sebagainya, dan semua itu sebenernya diri gw sendiri yang ngomong. I’m fighting against myself, dan ini berat banget. Di satu sisi gw tau apa yang sedang gw lakukan, di sisi lain gue nggak bisa nggak merayakan kegagalan gue ini. I don’t know. I feel like my foundation is not strong. Like one more push and I will fall apart.
If I lose my eyesight, ….
… I don’t know.
I wanna say I’d hate God more, but I actually have hated God enough.