How to Have an Independently Dependent Relationship

Long term relationship is terrifying. It can suck your life out and consume every bit of you. And when it’s over it will leave you empty. Lifeless. Like the whole world is running around you but you’re stuck.

Basically we all know how to prevent it from happening — we just have to keep on living our own lives even when we’re in relationship; But it’s just so easy to let a relationship drain you, especially because it’s fun to be with the person you like the most, right? Ironically, that’s just exactly why it can totally blind you from what’s happening around you.

The Handcuffs

Imagine this. You are in a relationship with someone you really, really like. You are both very strong people and together you rock the world. You’ve been in relationship with him for quite some time now, and you love spending time with him. But because you are both busy on weekdays, you meet him every weekends, both Saturday and Sunday.

Eventually as the relationship goes by, it just becomes a habit for you to meet him on Saturday or Sunday, and sometimes on public holidays.

Considering your busy schedule, you practically have no time for your friends. Every leisure time you get when you’re not with him, you use for a you-time in a spa or salon. Little by little, you can feel your friends fading away. But you don’t mind, cos anyway you already have him, who you can call a boyfriend AND a best friend.

You thought you will spend your life with him anyway. You only need him. Only him is already enough.

However, after years of relationship, shit happened.

You screwed up. Or he did. Or it’s not important who did, but your relationship ended and now you’re drowning in sorrow. You’re trying to reach out, but you don’t have any friends left after you ignored them for years. The only friend you have, the only future you thought you would have, the only thing that chains your hands to the earth, was only him.

And now that he’s gone, you’re like a lost astronaut floating in an empty space.

Independently Dependent

By the way, please note that in the previous paragraphs I wasn’t talking about my past relationship. I had a pretty balanced life and my friends were still my friends throughout the entire journey. However, the previous paragraphs did actually come from a true story a friend told me very recently.

His relationship with his ex-girlfriend was the handcuff type. They were pretty much glued to each other the whole time, that he didn’t have the time (or the urge) to make friends other than her.

Contrary to that situation, my relationship right now is more like a bird house than a handcuff. It’s a pretty liberating experience, to fly away to our own directions every now and then, but get back together by the end of the day. He feels like home, and my life is the adventure.

Live Your Life

Even though we’re in a relationship, we’re not too possesive with each other. Some weekends he would spend with his friends and I with mine. Some weekdays I would go out with him and his friends. It’s not you taking him away from his life or him taking you from yours, it’s both of you merging two lifes together, while in the mean time you also need your own space to stay sane.

It is necessary and it is normal, it’s not egoist, so don’t worry. Live your life when you’re alone, have an appropriate amount of you-time while you still can.

Because It’s a Choice

I believe it is not easy to be independent in a relationship. You need to trust your partner, while at the same time you also trust yourself. You trust him that he will not fail you, and you trust yourself that even if he did, you can still survive.

To achieve this state of mind you need to realize 100% that you are full and complete even when you’re single. When you have enough fun in your single life, the presence of a boyfriend no longer becomes a necessity. It’s more like a choice. A preference.

You don’t need him. But you want him.

Though when I said “you don’t need him” I don’t mean like you don’t need a guy in your life, no. More like you know exactly it can be anyone else than him. You realize that he is replaceable, but you choose him. You see, this is a stronger mindset than if you think you need him, and only him can fill your needs.

To put it in other words, your partner is replaceable. At the same time you also have to realize that YOU are also replaceable. It’s a bitter truth but the truth is always bitter, no? But only with this bitterness you can stay true. So, keep your chin up and deal with it.

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