I’m a bit worried if I talk too much about my ex here in my blog. But I do think you need to know how I survived. I feel like I have to put this into a writing cos it might be useful one day. Maybe not for me, maybe for someone else who is going through what I went through. I hope it can help, cos I am concerned.
Lately, two of my closest friends, who both have been in relationship for more than 5 years, both talked to me because they are not sure about their relationships. They are both about to get married, though they didn’t prepare it yet. But the condition is somewhat similar to mine, they want to leave.
The difference is, they are worried and they are scared.
I can’t blame them. I know how scary it can be.
When you’re in a steady relationship with someone for years, you just assume you will end up in marriage with them. So if you think of what you will be doing in the future, you would automatically just include them in your plan / hopes. They are there. Things get complicated when you think of how they are not there anymore.
Your future will change, even drastically. What are you gonna do? Who are you going to spend your time with? When you’re getting old and your children are out of your house already, who are you gonna stay together with? That figure is blank. That character is hollow. It’s confusing. It’s unreal. Yeah, I know.
But anyway what concerns me most is if you and I are not brave enough to take this step now, we might never take the step and just waste more time to fail anyway in the end. Why waste time? Say enough now and walk away to restart sooner while we still have the time.
So in this writing now I will share about how I got through and survived my failed relationship.
1. Take Time.
It was difficult. I was crashed and burnt. I was more than broken, I was crumbled. Every night when I was about to go to sleep I would cry. Every afternoon when I heard a song that reminded me of him I would cry. Every time I saw our pre-wedding pictures and remembered how fond I was of him, I would cry. It took lots of time and lots of tissue, but it’s normal like that.
For the first week, I just wallowed in tears. I chose one friend to talk to, and I would just text her everytime I was sad. I let myself think about him and our relationship, I let myself feel the sadness which lead to disappointment and anger. I was a mixture of raw unhumane emotions. But it’s normal like that and I knew it. It’s just because I was broken.
I completely shut down any contact with my ex. I didn’t delete his number or unfriend him on Facebook though, but I archived our chat and hide him on Facebook news feed. :p
2. Think Rationally.
Luckily, I knew Hitman System long before I broke up with my ex. In my head lies lots and lots of theories and mindsets and they all helped me in surviving. One of the most crucial ones is this theory that, the thing that makes it hard for you to move on from a relationship, is because you only focus on the happy moments.
In fact, a broken relationship, no matter how happy the relationship was when you’re in it, there must be a broken something that made it fall apart. So I focused on that broken part and forced myself, challenged myself, asked myself if I had chosen to stay in the relationship how long would it last before it crumbled again?
Cos it WILL crumble again. Clearly I could see that there was no future with him.
Thanks to my rational side, it didn’t take long until I stopped crying. I mean, it’s true that our relationship lasted for 5 years and I was pretty happy during all those years… But it doesn’t mean I have to marry him because I already spent 5 years with him.
However, sadly, most people seem to think otherwise: Because you’ve spent LOTS of time with someone then you should marry them. That’s why my friends who are in a long steady relationship all hesitated to stop and start anew. We’re too comfy already. It’s too steady already. It became our reality already.
However, if you think of it more rationally, usually long relationships like that started as a game and not too serious. Maybe when we started it we were 18-20 years old. We were so young, we did things for the fun. Maybe we picked our partners because he was the most good looking we could find at that time. Maybe we picked him because he was the coolest in the class.
And time went by, 5 years, 6 years later, when we’re 23-24 years old already, we started to think seriously about our future. We are ready to get married and the person beside us at that time happens to be that “coolest guy in the class” we picked 5-6 years ago. So we thought of course we have to marry him. Who else are we going to marry?
But maybe he’s not mature enough now? I mean, he might be suitable for our 18 years old self, he might be a boyfriend material, but is he a husband material? Can he be a good dad? Can he lead a family?
Cos when we were 18-20 years old there is very little possibility that we will choose our boyfriend because we thought he would be a good dad to our children. No. But now when we’re ready to marry, we start to think it, no? And what are we gonna do when we realize that he is not gonna be a good husband for you?
If you don’t wanna leave, are you going to jeopardize your future only because you spent a good 5 years playing with your cute, handsome bf?
Ladies, there IS a difference between a boyfriend and a husband-to-be.
Once you realize this, you will be okay.
This was what I thought of for the whole second week. I told myself that there was nothing I could have done better. I did my best already, it was a fun 5-years. I was not perfect but it was not my fault the relationship failed. And because it wasn’t my fault, I told myself I deserved a next relationship.
This time, with a better person. A husband-to-be material.
3. Get a Life.
Then I tried to grab everything I had lost since I got into a relationship: My freedom.
I enrolled to a Spanish and Chinese class. I went out with my old friends, I reached out to new people. I chose a random list of “10 Rooftop Bar In Jakarta” and went to each one of them every weekends with my friends. Everytime I wanted to know how he was doing, I would just send a “Hey whats up” to lots of new people in my chat list and then replying each one that replied back. I went to some islands with new people I wasn’t close with. I went BBQing. I went out on dates. I play with new guys and chat with lots of strangers on Tinder.
In short, I had fun. Lots of it.
Reaching out really helped me a lot. It made me realize that there is more to life than just a mere romance. It made me realize that I still got my moves even though I was single. Or more specifically, because I was single, I got moves.
When we socialize with people after a long relationship, there’s this ecstatic and fun feeling that screams “YOU’RE FREE” very loudly. Cos you really are free. You want to go out with a Spanish guy with curly hair? Go ahead. You wanna have a date with your best friend? Go watch a movie and eat a big popcorn all by yourself? Talk to random people in a cafe just for the laughs? Go. Ahead.
Yep, that was pretty much what I did for the next two months. By the third month I was already ready to see him with no problems.
4. Be Stubborn.
Btw he did ask if we can get back together. I don’t remember well, but I guess it was after the first or second month of our breakup. I still invited him into my house and even to my room cos I thought I would cry and I didn’t want to cry in my living room.
But I am stubborn, and because of the “Rational Thinking” session I went through, I knew we had a very little chance of surviving the relationship into a happy marriage. Also, I have a firm value about “no second chances”. I always thought that if he really did love me he wouldn’t ever need a second chance at all. One chance is enough, and I refuse to take a lame first try as an excuse.
That’s why I kept rejecting his offer to get back together.
There was this one time when he tried to lure me, which is a bit funny for me. He tried to mention about our happy vacation time cos we went on lots of vacations together. He told me if I wanted to get back together with him, we could go to Japan together by the end of this year cos there’s a promo ticket on sale.
I scoffed of course. I couldn’t fathom if he was serious or just joking, though I hope he was joking. How could he think I can be bought by a vacation to Japan? I mean, c’mon! I’m not even a Japanese freak, I know almost nothing about Japan and I’m not one of those girls who are crazy with JPop or Japanese culture and stuff. So of course I rejected. If I want a vacation to Japan I will work and save money and go with my own money, I don’t need to be anyone’s girlfriend only to get a free vacation.
So I think this is the key to moving on: Stick to your choice. When you already decided to leave, then leave. Don’t ever think about going back again, cos you know it’s a dead end already. Stick to your choice and move on.
4. Get Real.
Three months after we broke up, I got a job offer in the company where he’s working.
He came to me and said, for him it was a sign that I’m the one for him, because he’s been asking God to give him signals. At that point I was already fed up to the max with all those superstitious stuff and I couldn’t stomach another one even if it’s from “God”. Whichever “God” it might be. So again I scoffed and said no.
I would take the job if the company wanted me cos it’s a big company and it’s an opportunity for me. But I didn’t want to get back together with him anymore. I knew it was going to be hard, working in the same company with my ex. But I could think very clearly at that moment: Why would I refuse a better paying, more stable job? Only because my ex is in the same company? Ha. Silly. I won’t ever let him stand between me and my own future.
Anyway I could see myself working for the big company and I could think of what I can do for the company. I knew I would be valuable enough for them. That’s why I decided to take the offer to join the company.
Actually, truth to be told, it did make my moving-on process a little bit slower. Because I was used to depending on him, so when I first got to the office I still needed him to take care of me like showing me around or introducing me to people. Sometimes we would go have breakfast or lunch together. Sometimes we would go watch a movie after office.
I even thought maybe I can just focus on working for 2-3 years, then see if after two years it’s possible to get back together with him again. I actually told one of my friend about this plan. Yeah it was that hard moving on from someone you meet everyday.
At the same time, though, I was still in my “get a life” phase which means I also went out on dates with other people and other friends. If I didn’t have him at that time I would still had fun anyway.
Moreover, I’ve been through several breakups already and I know how it goes. We thought we couldn’t live without them, but in most cases, it’s not true. We thought we couldn’t find anyone else like them, which in most cases is true (we won’t find anyone LIKE them cos we will find someone BETTER than them).
5. Move on.
It was January, 5 months after our breakup, when I first started to talk to Tomo kun, my current bf. At that time actually I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, but I stumbled upon him while I was having fun reaching out to people. And among all the people I was talking to or I was seeing, he soon became my favorite. I just simply love the way he reacted and the way he treated me.
He’s funny, he’s kind and sweet, and we clicked very well. Even though I know we’re so much different, like we speak different languages and we have different cultures, but we got close instantly like it just meant to happen. Like the rain, no one could stop us from falling.
It didn’t take long until I decided to start seeing him. Anyway I was stable already, I didn’t cry anymore, and I could already smile and explain to someone what happened with my past relationship.
But before I went to see Tomo kun I remember I did ask my ex about his plan for the future. He said he still wanted to get married but not in the near future. I remember I did ask him, “Not in the near future and not with me?” And he said “Maybe.”
So in my heart I whispered goodbye, and I decided to go have a date with Tomo kun.
I went out on dates before but the first date with Tomo kun was different. I was nervous, I was excited. Like a little kid going to a theme park for the first time. I wanted to see if we click in the real world as much as we do in chat room. I wanted to see how he reacts in real life, how he laughs, and those sparkles in his eyes.
Also, around that time, Tomo kun did something that amazed me. I won’t go into details now but let’s just say he made quite an effort to show his interest and I felt very flattered and I knew I wanted him.
I could say it was an instant turnaround.
Remember I said I wanted to wait and focus working for 2-3 years before starting a new relationship? Well now there’s someone in front of me I really, really like. Should I really wait? I don’t think so.
So I decided to text my ex to tell him that I am moving on. Cos I thought if I focus on my new relationship with Tomo kun, I might get him and it might work. So I told my ex that I was ready to move on, that I could see no future with him, and I am going so he should go too. He replied with he was waiting for me to do so. Good. No hard feelings then. Everything was done.
A few days after that I saw Tomo kun in person, and it just rolled fast and unavoidable like a snowball in an avalanche.
And I end up here and now, happier than I ever thought I could be.
I don’t regret a thing. From the time I started my past relationship until I ended it, I don’t regret a thing. That the relationship failed, was a disappointment of course, but it is something I am grateful of. Cos now I’m a better, wiser, and stronger person. Now I am in a better state than before, and now I am happier.
I am glad my past relationship ended. I am glad I had the courage to take the leap. I am glad I met Tomo kun and decided to focus on him. I am satisfied with what I did, and if I was given a chance to go back to the past and do things differently, I wouldn’t change a thing. 🙂
Now I just hope this writing can help people. Somehow, some day.