I’ve been wanting to write about this but I just never got the time.
For those of you who already knew me from before, pastinya udah tau yah kalo ada sesosok tokoh dalam kehidupan gue yang suka gue namain “si yayank”. Dan kalo elo cukup ngikutin kehidupan gue melalui tulisan-tulisan gue ataupun tweet-tweet gue, pasti tau juga kalo “si yayank” itu sekarang sudah berubah menjadi “si mantan”.
I’ve never really gotten the chance to share about what happened, what went wrong, what I thought about it and how I survived it, but now that I’m here I will try to write.
Many people thought my relationship with my ex was a dreamy one, and that there must be nothing wrong with it since it looked so perfect. In fact there WAS something wrong with it cos if not then it wouldn’t have ended, no? So this time I will write about what went wrong, and hopefully I will do a follo up writing about what I think and how I survived.
Where Everything Starts : Family
Let’s start with the rotten part of my failure: The family.
It’s not that I wasn’t close with his family. I was close and I thought I did a good enough job fitting in. I always wash my dishes after I eat, sometimes I help wash the family’s dish. Everytime my ex cooked, I always clean the utensils afterwards (but whether or not it was clean enough for his mom, I don’t know). Sometimes I helped sweeping the floor when the family is away. Sometimes when the family is away I would slept over to take care of the dogs in the morning, like letting them out of the cage, cleaning their poo, filling their food bowls, and stuff.
I thought I was close with them. I thought. Because, I mean, I even had the keys to their house! I was that close to them.
However, it all crumbled down very simply due to a miscommunication about our marriage guests.
To start it off, their family wanted a small private party, only the main families and probably closest friends, much like a birthday party. My family probably is a little bit more sociable, and even though this idea of a private party sounded almost like an insult, but because I am the “woman” side so we thought we had to submit to their decision.
And here is where the miscommunication happened: Their family said 70 people (that’s 30 invitees). I thought 70 people as in 70 invitees (that’s 140 people). Because for me, 140 people is small enough already and I didn’t think 70 people would ever be enough. My own close family members and my closest friends would take at least 50 people.
This miscommunication was very … hidden. Like my ex and I didn’t even realize we had a different perception until it was too late. And when was it too late? When his parents already thought I was a rebel and not obedient enough to their taste.
And, much to my disappointment, they just took it too far.
There is something they did that I promised my ex not to tell anybody so I can’t write it here. Though if you ask me in person I would most probably tell hahaha. But yeah they did something outrageous, and I didn’t have a say in it and it just happened then and there, they opposed my marriage.
Oh yeah, did I not tell you that the marriage date was set already?
Btw of course it’s a classic thing that our partners’ parents would usually have something to complain about us. And I am fully aware that when you’re marrying your partner, it means you’re marrying the family too. You will become one family with those people who complain about you. But still. Our partner’s parents don’t 100% like us is one thing, but when they 100% don’t like us, is another thing.
I am always one of those people who would tell you to go away from a relationship where the parents don’t agree with you. It’s an uphill battle. It will take lots and lots and lots of you and your partner’s energy. If both of you are not strong enough, it’s a waste of time.
However, as you probably already knew already, I was very proud of my relationship with the ex. So I thought we could have gotten through. I knew I was worthy enough to be fought for, and I was also ready to fight along in this battle.
And because our marriage date was set already, we decided to continue the preparation. After all, after we get married it was most probably that we would live separately from our parents, so we won’t have to face them for too often until very later on when they are already too old and we have to take care of them. Which I was willing to do, btw.
So even though I was a little bit nervous, I thought we were going to be okay, and I just continued the lovey-dovey relationship like there was no obstacle at all.
It’s a Time Bomb..
It’s true that that relationship was full of flowers and butterflies, I (or we) worked hard to nurture it until it bloomed like that. However, like what I always say, ladies should not be blinded in a relationship. No matter how good looking, how dreamy, how happy a relationship can make you feel, you still have to open your eyes wide enough and always be objective. And that was what I did, even after our marriage date was set already (it was set to be on October 25, 2014), I kept my eyes opened and I observed while we continued our wedding preparation. (Yeah, btw, we even paid for the bridal salon and the cake.)
My ex happened to be a total papa-boy. His dad’s words are his gospel. I knew this for a very long time already, and it was one of the reasons I was very nervous. I knew it would be too hard for him to stand up against his dad, even though it was for me. Of course, I am just a dust compared to his dad.
And for your record, this is not my insecurity speaking. I am a very confident person in general and I know I was (and am) worth fighting for. But still, even though I could be a trophy girlfriend, I am nothing compared to his dad.
I’m not blaming him for this, I mean it’s cute for a son to listen to his dad like that. But still, it made me worried because it means that if I can’t get the dad’s heart (after he opposed me), there is a chance that I can’t get him.
I guess there was always that part in my heart where I thought this value of his would be the reason we break up. His dad’s words are like inception to his mind. The idea was planted: I’m not obedient and not suitable for him. And it would grow on its own in his mind, and conquer his thoughts, and win in the end.
I guess there was always a part of me that believes that it was just a matter of time.
And It Started Ticking..
In the mean time, lots of excuses were thrown so that my ex and I would postpone our marriage. One of them was because his two older sisters weren’t married yet, so it would be a shame for us to get married first. Even though he is the only son in the family and his sisters didn’t have a boyfriend at that time. The way the conversation went, it sounded like we were supposed to wait until both the sisters marry first before we can marry.
I don’t want to be rude or anything, I mean, his sisters are both gorgeous and smart. But both were single at that time. I don’t know about now, anyway finding a boyfriend is one thing, but marrying someone is another thing. Even if both the sisters could get a boyfriend within the year, could they end up in marriage within the same year? I was sceptical.
It’s not easy to find a boyfriend and it’s not easy to find a good man to marry. If they just want to get married no matter who the spouse will be, then that might be easy. But marriage is not a mere task to be taken lightly, no? You have a responsibility in it, you have to be careful in choosing the right partner, cos you’re going to spend all your life with that person.
So this excuse, for me is a little bit too made up even though it was there. I didn’t take it too seriously and just continued to prepare for my wedding. Even though I knew the parents used that reason in showing their relunctance of me marrying their son. (They didn’t know I knew what they did, the one I told you I promised not to tell to anyone)
Time to be Objective
Anyway, as we were preparing, we also needed to deal with some religious stuff. And yes, I’m far from being religious, but my mom is a devoted Catholic and therefore it is kinda important to get married in a church. My ex and I happen to both be Catholic too, so it was a given that we will get married in a Catholic Church. And since our marriage date was actually set already, we also needed to take care of all those Church things we weren’t very familiar with because we were both not too keen on Catholicism.
So there is this one rule to get married in a Catholic Church: One should be baptized as a Catholic, and Confirmed (Christmated). Baptism and Chrismation/Confirmation are both sacraments a Catholic has to have before we are deemed elligible to get married in a Catholic Church.
I got baptized when I was a kid and Christmated when I was in Junior High. My ex, sadly, got baptized but had not been Christmated yet at that time. The Church don’t open the registration for Confirmation/Christmation sacraments all year long, but only like once or twice a year. So we went and asked when the registration will be opened in the nearest future and it was meant to be opened on July-August 2014. Our marriage was set to be two months after the Christmation registration was opened. It was not ideal for me, but I was like, it’s better than nothing, and we could just postpone the marriage if we really had to, so…
It was July 2014 when I started to ask my ex if he had registered himself already. At first, I asked him every week. Until there’s one day in mid July where he got fed up and snapped, “Can you just stop asking me this question?”
“But I keep asking because you haven’t registered yet, I’m just reminding you,” was my defense at that time. He replied with, “Well you reminded me enough already, you did your part, now you can shut up and just trust me to do my part.”
And I was like, oh okay.
But then and there I promised myself that if, IF, he messed up, IF he ended up not registering, I will leave him.
Enough is Enough
It was August, though I don’t remember the date exactly. I had put the last day for Christmation registration on my calendar and the notification went off a day before. It was Saturday, and as usual I went to his place to spend time together. I casually told him I had a reminder on my phone and it said that tomorrow is the last day for registration. I asked if he had registered already and he said yes he had.
I was happy.
It put me in a good mood.
It was an assurance that what we’re doing, all the preparations, were still valid and still going on.
So because I was happy I gave him what (ever) he wanted of me that day. Made him the happiest guy ever. Bring him food, let him play on computer, wash dishes for him, and all other things. I made sure he didn’t have anything to want anymore because I took care of everything he wanted.
The day went by and I went home happily. Then came the following day. Sunday night, around 7-8PM. We were cuddling on his bed, after a short wrestling session (he tickled me and I fought back). As he was hugging me from behind he said, “Hun, there’s something I wanna tell you.”
The atmosphere was fun and I was still giggly so I expected something like him saying he loves me. But he said later was far from what I expected. He said, “I actually haven’t registered for the Christmation yet. Hehe.”
You know that feeling when you’re driving along a long bright road in the middle of the day, the wind’s blowing your hair and you can feel the cool August breeze and the sting of the sun, the blinding light reflecting from a sea just beside you… Then the road leads you to a long dark tunnel and you’re suddenly blind?
That’s how I felt.
I just couldn’t remember what I did next. I remember seeking his eyes to see if he was serious. I remember crying and asking him why did he do that. I remember thinking to get out of his house right away and just go home by myself. But I can’t remember what I actually said and did.
I just remember feeling very limp and out of energy. And I told him that I had been telling myself to leave him if he didn’t register for the Christmation. I told him that by not registering it means he’s not taking me seriously, and I was not there to be taken for granted. I told him that because he took me for granted I don’t want to waste my time anymore, and there’s no point in continuing our relationship. Then I just cried.
At that time I think he came into a realization that I was serious all along. He rushed out to find his Christmation Registration Form and rushed out to the regional catholic leader to get his form signed. But the regional leader hadn’t been in town for a couple days already, so there’s nothing he could do.
He then dragged me to the church so he can ask if he can register late, but still for this year’s Christmation. I was dragged and a little bit unconscious. I didn’t even bid his parents or his sisters goodbye cos I was a total mess. I cried like my future was taken away from me, and I just didn’t want his family to see me like that.
Anyway we got to the church and I was left inside the car while he went in to the church and ask. It took long. There was no one at the church cos it was late (around 8PM) and even if there is someone they were probably still in the Holy Mass.
I can’t remember very much detail to this scene, I only remember crying in the car and telling myself I don’t deserve this. I was angry, I was disappointed, I was hurt and felt betrayed. I told myself to leave him. I didn’t want to leave him of course, but I didn’t deserve to be treated that way.
I just stopped talking to him, probably until the following day when he contacted me again. Again, I couldn’t remember exactly what happened cos I was a mess, but I do remember him saying that…
After he thought of what I said, he confessed that he felt he was not being serious about me. He said that our relationship was all fun and games until his parents said no. Then he just felt like it’s not fun anymore and he didn’t want to think about it because it’s troublesome and probably that’s why he ended up not being serious.
He asked for a time to retreat and to introspect, or if you think of it as a game, he wanted to pause and take a break.
It was like the end of the world for me, cos I am one of those people who are so sure that taking a break in a relationship is a bad idea. So I told him that I am not a game he can pause when he’s tired or bored and play again when he’s ready. I don’t want to be treated that way. And if he wanted a break, I told him I would treat it as a regular break up. And a regular break up for me means separating for good. There’s no “second chances” in my dictionary.
He said it’s fine.
And with that, the 5 years long flowery relationship ended.
August 2014, two months before I was supposed to get married.