One of a few people I trust, just recently told me this:
You’re not the type of person who would put every life events and feelings on social media. People don’t know your story and your struggle. Only you do.
I was actually asking him about “the appropriate time to start a new relationship after a broken one”, by the way. Yes yes yes, as you might have predicted, I have found someone. And being the RedZzdeLady that I am, I always say that once I get into a relationship I will treat it with the highest respect and I will cherish it and I will be so serious that there will be no way back. Which is why even now at the very early stage of my relationship with this new guy, I’m already thinking “what if I wanna get serious with this guy?”
Truth to be told, it’s not like I care if the time is not yet appropriate for me to start a new relationship. I just want to know the time people expect to be appropriate, because I wanted to anticipate people’s reaction. Whether they will see me as a bitch with dignity or not.
And it is true what my friend said. Whatever people might think, I can’t control it so why even bother? Only I know how deep I fell and how hard it was for me to stand up again. Once I decide that I’m ready, I am ready.
So. I call him Tomo kun.
At first I was very nervous, cos we are very different. He can’t speak Bahasa and I can’t speak Japanese, so we kinda just compromise and meet in the middle. On text we clicked. It’s always easy to talk to him, to kid around, to tease each other, and to flirt. Though I held my horses and didn’t dare to go very far on text before we meet. I was scared it wouldn’t go well when we meet face to face.
After all I know the theory. I don’t want to fall in love with an image I made for myself. It wouldn’t be fair and wouldn’t go well in the long run. I kept telling myself I should wait a little bit longer, I should be patient, I should be objective, I should open my eyes wide to see clearly and not blinded by my own imagination.
I remember telling my friend, the one who took this pic of me on my first date with Tomo kun, that if it didn’t go well I would be so very disappointed.
The result? Well, I think you can guess it from my smile.
It will be our 6th date next Sunday, but we’re stuck on holding hands. I only told 3 people about this and all three was like, “And you didn’t make a move first? You didn’t attack him?” According to them, I must be an explosive pussy or something. But yeah yeah no I didn’t make a move, I didn’t attack him, I didn’t initiate sexual activities all the time I was with him. Surprised? It’s the fact, dude. Deal with it. I’m not aggresive.
Somehow I really love how he treats me. The slowness of the progress. The awkwardness when we first held hands. The clumsiness when we’re on a cab, in silence, skies are dark & traffic is Jakarta-y, yet we manage to still play with each others fingers. I love his shy smile, and how he makes me feel when he stares at me. I love how he breaks into laughter, and his clever responses.
Suddenly this post has turned into a love declaration?!?!
All in all I just wanna say that I think I have reached the “point of no return” that I mentioned earlier. I’m ready. I hope he is, too.