Hey, God

Hey God, what’s up? Been a while since I last talk to You @ church.

A while enough to make me uncomfortable to go back to church to look for you.

They said you’re omnipresence, so if I talk to you here, will you listen to me? Will you read it?

 

I just want to make sure that things are okay up there, coz it’s not anywhere near okay down here.

I know you wouldn’t send me more than i can bear, but geez, i hope you don’t trust me this much.

It’s overwhelming. all the shit i must go through, almost unbearable.

 

oh, f- it. God doesn’t exist anyways.

 

you know, saat semua hal di dunia terlihat bagai didesain untuk bikin lo jatuh,

it’s always good to pretend like you believe in god. god is there for you, god will be with you, and stuff.

but here’s the fact: YOU ARE ALONE. yeah. in this world, you live on your own. no god, no evil, no no one but you.

 

so that’s why it’s wrong to blame god for the bad things that’s been happening around me.

and that’s why it feels wrong also to say thanks for the good things –which is apparently none,

no good things happening at the moment. no good thing whatsoever.

ow, the fact that i’m still alive and breathing? cmon, god can not just say i’m dead then i’m dead, right?

stop kidding me. god. doesn’t. exist.

 

coz if he does, he’s doing a pretty lame job here, for my mom who’s been praying the hardest.

god, are you crazy? my mom, she trusts you more than i do! in fact, she trusts you more than anyone i know!

 

god. is it not enough entertainment for you to see my dad lying helplessly, god?

do you really need to get my mom infected, god? do you? so why not get me infected too?

isn’t it that fun to make us miserable, despite all the prayers my mom’s been sending to you, god?

 

yesterday i found this post, saying “if god tell you to jump off a cliff, do it.

he’d either catch you when you fall, or teach you how to fly.”

 

funny. i don’t remember YOU catching me when i fell into the darkest pit of my life — couple years ago.

funny, what i do remember is: i asked, but not given anything. i seek, but didn’t find a thing. i knock, but the door’s closed still.

i jumped off a cliff, i fell. hard. crashed to the earth. you didn’t teach me how to fly, i crawl myself back to life!

 

and now that i’m alive and rocking, god, you throw rocks at me again.

am i some kind of a toy for you, am i fun to play with? i’m glad you find me interesting, god, but please stop bugging me.

now i feel like i’m back to a dark pit again. but i know better now, god.

there’s nowhere else to fall, i’ve reached the bottom — couple years ago. right?

 

later this evening i’ll take tests myself.

if i find myself infected, god, chill out, i won’t get any more bitter than this. i’ll just hate you more.

even if i’m not infected, i’d still hate you for involving my mom. so it doesn’t matter anyway. does it?

 

are you listening to me, now, god? if you are, why aren’t you saying a thing?

 

..oh, f- it. god doesn’t exist anyway.

One comment

  1. Kev d'Salvo · September 16, 2012

    Continue to seek guidance… He’s already helping you. 🙂

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